What are you up to? How you been? Want a stubby? Yer Dad, Billie is growing so quickly. Only a few weeks til bub #2. How am I going to manage Dad?
It’s crazy how much I wish I could have a normal conversation like this with you Dad. How has it been 5 years since I’ve seen you? How has it only been 5 years since I’ve smelt you, kissed you, cuddled up next to you on the couch?
Daddy I miss you. I miss you more than I could possibly put into words but I’m sure you already know that. People say time heals but it seems with each year, each month, each day it just gets harder and harder. The pain just keeps growing and there are days like today where it just sits in my chest threatening to explode. It’s the weirdest feeling. I feel empty, soulless, heartless even. But yet I feel so full of pain, sadness and grief. And yet feel so much joy and love all at the same time.
I still remember your eyes. And your smile. Your cheeky laugh, ridiculous dance moves and that glint in your eye when you were proud of your friends or family. I remember your smell, the feel of your rough hands as you would tickle my arm even as an 18 year old.
As I look at this photo of the home videos we have to watch just to hear your voice, I see a little girl who needs her Dad even now, although she’s now so much older. I see my my baby girl in this phot as a spitting image of me and dream of seeing you getting to hold her. I look at Billie and it breaks my heart to know she will never create the memories with her Pop that I have with you. But my gosh I promise she will know every detail about you! How she calls Pop Pop when she sees your photo breaks my heart but also gives me such strength knowing she already knows what an incredible man you were.
There have been so many times I have needed you Dad. Through the good like Billie’s birth, through the bad like her surgery, through the mundane everyday life like help with the house or property. And it’s the fact we can’t have that simple conversation or share a simple smile anymore just crushes what I already feel is a shattered heart. I’m trying to be strong, as you would say I need to go to Bunnings, buy a bag of cement and harden up. But without you here it’s just not that easy. Everyone is struggling without you. Especially Mum and your three girls. But so many people miss you every single day. So be proud. Be proud that you were the good man that everyone loved for both good and bad reasons.
Dad the pain is still forever growing without you here. Each day, as I wake and remember I’m not going to see you or get to talk to you again, my heart smashes to a million pieces again. I’m waiting for it to stop. For you to walk through the door with that cheeky grin on your face and to cuddle me and make my world whole again. And each day I’m reminded I will never get to feel that again.
So I will try to take comfort knowing if it’s at all possible you will be watching down on us. I hope your flying high Daddy, up where the bugs don’t fly that high. I will see you again one day. I miss you. I love you.
Forever and always, your loving and favourite daughter xo